How do you cope with unexpected change?

The ups and downs of life and work can be just like a rollercoaster at times. There might be a feeling of safety and peace as you glide upwards and the views at the top seem breathtaking, only the direction suddenly changes, so you go hurtling downwards with the inevitable twists and turns that happen along the way. It can be exciting for a short time and some people thrive on the adrenaline-filled rush of rollercoasters. If there are several events or situations that happen it can feel a whole lot different, too much stress over a prolonged period. How you cope is often dependent on your upbringing and also on how many of those other stressors there are in your life at the time.

Some people get to the point of not quite knowing how to cope with the upheaval and stress that change brings. If there is one thing that changes in life and work have taught me, it is there is no one solution to each and every person's circumstances when it comes to change. What I do know is that from my work with clients, change can be unsettling. Too much change leaves some with a feeling of having the ground taken from beneath them. I say there are no rights or wrongs to how you deal with change. I do suggest feeling what you feel and allowing time to 'grieve' the loss that often goes with a major life or work change.

One thing that can happen when someone is under pressure is to turn to unhealthy coping strategies. This could be to drink, over-eat, under-eat or take recreational drugs. Forgetting about problems for a while is the aim, but there are consequences on your body and health as well as on your relationships. Find other ways to let your frustration or hurt out. You could go for a walk, run, cycle, read, talk to a trusted friend. You could write down your thoughts and feelings (just for your eyes) so that they stop spinning around your head. Get to bed early and eat healthily and regularly.

If you can, do your best to let people know what you want at a particular time. It is your responsibility to say what you need rather than expect people to read your mind. If you want time on your own, that's OK. Explain your need for a bit of quiet and reflection so you can come to terms with the changes you are facing. If you need to surround yourself with people to help you through it, that's OK too. Try to be explicit about your needs with those who care about you. Other people may not know quite what to say or do to support you if you are going through a major life upheaval. Their need may be to give you a hug when it is the last thing you need right now. Allow them the chance to support you in a way that you will appreciate by telling them as clearly as you can. They do care and you can help them to help you.

Change is inevitable with home, life and work not staying still. Things move on. You can choose to see a change as an opportunity. Once the initial shock and disbelief have worn off, things will begin to fall into place: acceptance. The change could direct you in a new, positive direction. You could start to feel excited about the next twists and turns and highs of the rollercoaster of life and work, still to come.

About the Author: Angie works as a hypnotherapist, counsellor and coach at the Norfolk Clinic Complementary Healthcare Clinic, 38-40 Magdalen Road, Norwich. Norfolk Clinic reception on 01603 660792 or directly on 07773 610816. She loves helping other people achieve their potential at work and in life and achieving happiness using a range of therapeutic techniques.
Twitter: angie_therapist
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Love doesn't need to hurt

If there is one thing that can hurt more than anything, and from seeing and hearing the impacts of this in my work, it is the pain and consequences of a relationship ending.

Doing the 'leaving' may seem right, or it might have felt right at the time. It may be a pattern of someone choosing to end relationships once the initial euphoria and 'spark' has worn off. Unconsciously or consciously looking for the next exciting new lover in the same way that a drug addict chases the next 'high'.
Sadly, it can also be a person not believing they are worthy of being loved. It doesn't matter how many times they are told or even shown they are loved, they cannot believe it for whatever reason. As a result there is a need to escape or to push the other person away. Indirectly or directly achieving what they believed in the first place, that they were not worthy of that other person.

Or it could be that jealousy interferes with the relationship. A person fears what their partner might or might not be doing. They in turn are over-vigilant with their partner and it can damage trust. Clinging to their views about the relationship. In response the other person may not be able to match what the other desires and the relationship tips further and further out of balance.

The root of the upset often lies within an individual. Their experience has made them distrust others, they sometimes lack confidence and seek to have the relationship on their terms, instead of a mutually comfortable partnership. It does not matter what the experience - it is possible to overcome their past and look forward to a happier future. It may take a bit of work - and is it not worth investing in yourself if you are to invest your feelings in a relationship with someone else?

In order to look for a long term, healthy and stable relationship it helps to see beyond the first fizzy, heady exciting part of romantic love. To look and understand the person who may actually be the perfect partner. So what if they are a great kisser? (well of course it's nice) But - how do they cope under pressure - easily or angrily? Are they confident with others? Do people describe them as happy/ kind/ gentle/ fun or moody/ sulky/angry? How does that compare with what you thought when you had those first dates?

I know it's easy to write this, and I know, much harder to put some of this into practice! It can be achieved - you just have to step back a bit. What is equally important is knowing what you like about yourself. Gaining self-approval opens the doors to a happier state of being and of finding someone else to share that with and who respects you for who/ what you are.

Want more than a fling? Here's my top tips:
* Consider what you like about yourself - or, what do others value in you?
* Let go of trying to please someone else
* Look beyond the initial spark of a relationship and pay attention to what the other person is really like and how others describe them
* Create free-time for each partner, to do things separately - allowing breathing space in a relationship can be good for both of you

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection ― Siddhārtha Gautama

About the Author: Angie loves helping other people achieve their potential at work and in life and achieving happiness using a range of therapeutic techniques. Available via skype, telephone as well as face to face. Based in Norwich, Norfolk, UK.